American Retired Seniors

TIME GETS BETTER WITH AGE – Age 5 to age 92; Read it through to the end, it gets better as you go!

I’ve learned that I like my teacher because she cries when we sings “Silent Night”. Age 5

I’ve learned that our dog doesn’t want to eat my broccoli either. Age 7

I’ve learned that when I wave to people in the country, they stop what they are doing and wave back. Age 9

I’ve learned that just when I get my room the way I like it, Mom makes me clean it up again. Age 12

I’ve learned that if you want to cheer yourself up, you should try cheering someone else up. Age 14 Read more…

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Filed under: Inspiration and Humor

AARP: Unemployment For Older Americans Surged 331 Percent Over Past Decade by Arthur Delaney

Unemployment for Americans 55 and older surged 331 percent over the past decade, according to a new analysis by the AARP Public Policy Institute.

“The data clearly shows that older workers have faced a devastating rise in unemployment, with far-reaching implications not only for their employment status but also for their health and retirement security,” said AARP spokeswoman Mary Liz Burns. Burns added that unemployment puts a particularly tough squeeze on middle-aged folks — who often have to provide for kids moving back home after college and elderly parents. Read more…

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Filed under: Senior Finances and Economy

5 Minute Management Course for Seniors

Lesson 1:

A man is getting into the shower, just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.

Before she says a word, Bob says, ‘I’ll give you $800 to drop that towel.’

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, ‘ Who was that?’

‘It was Bob, the next door neighbor,’ she replies.

‘Great,’ the husband says, ‘did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?’

Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Lesson 2:

A priest offered a Nun a lift.

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.

The priest nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said, ‘Father, remember Psalm 129?’

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.   The nun once again said, ‘Father, remember Psalm 129?’

The priest apologized ‘Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.’

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129.  It said, ‘Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.’

Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

Lesson 3:

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out.  The Genie says, ‘I’ll give each of you just one wish.’

‘Me first! Me first!’ says the admin clerk.  ’I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.’   Poof! She’s gone.

‘Me next! Me next!’ says the sales rep. ‘I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas, and the love of my life.’  Poof! He’s gone.

‘OK, you’re up,’ the Genie says to the manager.  The manager says, ‘I want those two back in the office after lunch.’

Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.

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Filed under: Inspiration and Humor

Many of us ‘Old Folks’ (WAY over 50) are quite confused today about how we should present ourselves. Feeling ‘young’, we try to conform to current fashions and present a youthful image.

Contrary to what you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations DO NOT go together and should be avoided:

1. A nose ring and bifocals
2. Spiked hair and bald spots
3. A pierced tongue and dentures
4. Miniskirts and support hose
5. Ankle bracelets and corn pads
6. Speedos and cellulite
7. A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar
8. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor
9. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge
10. Bikinis and liver spots
11. Mini-skirts and varicose veins

And, most importantly:

At some point you have to give up the ‘DAISY DUKE’ shorts!

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Filed under: Inspiration and Humor

A little boy was in a relative’s wedding.   As he was coming down the aisle, he would take two steps, stop, and turn to the crowd.  While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar.   So it went, step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR, all the way down the aisle.

As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the pulpit.  When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said, “I was being the Ring Bear.” Read more…

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Filed under: Inspiration and Humor

The U. S. Census is a count of everyone residing in the United States: in all 50 states, the District of Columbia, Puerto Rico and the Island Areas.   All residents of the United States must be counted. This includes people of all ages, races, ethnic groups, citizens and non-citizens.  The first Census was conducted in 1790 and has been carried out every 10 years since then.

Census questionnaires will be mailed or delivered to every household in the United States in March 2010. The questions ask you to provide information that is accurate for your household as of April 1, 2010.  The U. S. Census Bureau will mail a 2^nd form to households that do not respond to the initial questionnaire and those who still do not respond will be called or visited by a Census worker. Read more…

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Filed under: Retiree and Senior Resources