American Retired Seniors

One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift.
The next year, he didn’t buy her a gift.
When his wife asked him why, he replied, “Well, she still hasn’t used the gift I bought her last year!”
And that’s how the fight got started…..

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, ‘Do you want to have sex?’   ‘No,’ she answered. I then said, ‘Is that your final answer?’  She didn’t even look at me this time, simply saying ‘Yes.’   So I said, ‘Then I’d like to phone a friend.’
And that’s how the fight got started…….

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.
Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.
I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.
And that’s how the fight got started….

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
‘I’ll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.’
He said, ‘Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?’
‘Nah, she can order for herself.’
And that’s how the fight got started….

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping the channels.  She asked, ‘What’s on TV?’
I said, ‘Dust.’
And that’s how the fight got started….

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, ‘I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds.’
I bought her a scale.
And that’s how the fight got started….

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, ‘Do you know him?’
‘Yes,’ she sighed, ‘ He’s my old boyfriend…
I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn’t been sober since.’
‘My Goodness!’ I said, ‘who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?’
And that’s how the fight got started….

When our lawn mower broke, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.
But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the truck, the car, playing golf ‘
Always something more important to me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.
I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.
I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.
I said, ‘When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.’
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
And that’s how the fight got started….

Filed under: Inspiration and Humor